What about country ham?! I don't have it often because I'm still enjoying being alive, but today I had a hot piece of that unclean beast. On mornings when I can, I carry Karen to work and she gets me the discounted hospital cafeteria breakfast which 8 times out of 6 is better than the Cheerios I typically eat. I know that hospital food sounds tantalizing in the most disgusting way, but it really is quite delicious.
If you haven't yet had the pleasure of a good slab of ultra-salty pork then you should be ashamed of yourself. Go on and have a slice - life has been waiting on you! However, I must warn you: there are consequences to consuming a week's worth of sodium for two people in one helping. Aside from the surpassing of a southern rite of passage and the completion of hillbilly initiation, you will suffer a physical drought which will leave you craving moisture in the most desperate way. My lips have dried up, my mouth is a desert and my skin even seems to have gone the route of an old piece of jerky which has fallen through the cracks of a dorm-room couch. And my eyes - oh how my eyes are longing for Ben Stein to grace them with his hydrating products!
I truly believe that the blind man healed by Jesus' spit and some mud was not blind at all! He had simply eaten a slice of country ham that morning for breakfast! The miracle lie not in the healing, but in the fact that a little moist earth did the job on the first application instead of the 7th.
Now, I'm no fool. I realize that half of the readers of this blog have by now burned a trail to the nearest Cracker Barrel to satifsy their salivating palate. So that leaves me with the task of convincing the 50% of those who began this script and are determined to finish the course.
One last astonishing statistic for you (this is the heavy artillery which will render you helpless against your base desire for that "full" feeling): only 3 out 6 people die fat and early after having eaten this at 3 or more of their 7 breakfasts in a week's time consistently! The odds of staying married are worse than that and Americans are entering that institution as if you got free gas and some kind of tax break for it! I knew I would get you with that one!
Savor the sow!
“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” Galileo Galilei
2 comments:
Eww I remember when Grampa would put some on the table and everyone would be like no thanks I dont wanna run up your water bill and you just dont have enough cool refreshments in the house, it was either that or the kids would just be like yeah I dont know about that, it just doesnt look right. Truth be told I am still not a big fan of it, I like ham just as much as the next person but country ham just isnt my bag baby :P
Country Ham may be the best prescription for the common cold. I can't think of a better way to force one to drink plenty of fluids.
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